It’s a suggestion that gets tossed around a lot, in these days of rampant self-help and personal optimization…

“Have you tried talking to someone?”

“Ever thought of therapy?”

… As if it was as easy as popping into a grocery store and picking up a carton of eggs. A simple solve for any of life’s not-so-simple problems. But it’s not so simple. Or at least it doesn’t feel that way to most of us. The system feels inaccessible and the process can be daunting.

I see those feelings reflected on the faces of my friends, family, colleagues and strangers, each time the topic comes up in conversation. And yet, their ears pique in interest when you mention your appointments. Or when you quote your therapist’s questions.

People want to feel better. They just don’t know where to start.

I’m not an expert, I just go to therapy. It took a while to figure out how and I wanted to share what’s worked for me - maybe it can demystify some of the steps of the process that feel intimidating to anyone who hasn’t gone before. These thoughts might not be true for everyone, but I hope they can at least be helpful to some.

You Have to Want To Try

First, let me preface by saying: I know the thought of therapy can be terrifying. Vulnerability is a feeling many of us try our whole lives to avoid. The natural instinct for pain, trauma, fear, or insecurity is to turn in the other direction - to make the bad feelings go away as quickly as possible. We do it in so many ways, with so many coping mechanisms. I get that, I’ve done that too. But it doesn’t ever really go away when we do that, does it?

The important thing about therapy is that when you do it, you are ready - you are a willing participant and want to try. Because the thing is, you only really get out of it, what you put in. Your ability to start to unravel some of the things you want to unravel is only possible if you are willing to be vulnerable, uncomfortable, and honest with yourself and with your therapist. Over time, the more you flex those muscles, the easier it will get (and the less vulnerable you’ll actually end up feeling, in a strange twist!).

Setting Yourself Up for Success

It’s important to know that the first therapist you talk to might not be meant for you. Or the second, or the third. I know that sounds terribly frustrating for someone who might already be emotionally burdened, and be an absolute deterrent for anyone who doesn’t want to explain the same stories over and over again (you don’t have to, that’s the next section). The thing is though, you are going to be talking about things that are highly personal and highly emotive. Having someone you trust, who you feel comfortable with, and who you feel understands you on the receiving end of that is important.

How Do I Find the Right Therapist?

There’s no silver bullet to this problem, although I do have a trick. I typically suggest using the website PsychologyToday.com/ca which is essentially a database of therapists. From here, you can sort by postal code, the type of struggles you’re having (i.e. sexuality/gender, relationship, body dysmorphia etc.), the type of insurance you’d be using, language, pricing etc. A list of practitioners will come up. I’d suggest you start to browse, bookmarking the profiles that stick out to you or that you resonate with.

How do I Choose a Therapist?

From that list, we’re going to “speed date.” I’d suggest you reach out to set up 15 to 20-minute complimentary consultations with at least 2 or 3 of those people you bookmarked. The reason I suggest you meet with a few different therapists is to get a sense of what’s out there. See who you feel naturally drawn to. Start to test whether you feel like you could open up in their presence. But please don’t worry about finding “the one.” Just see who feels like they have the potential to make you feel comfortable. That’s truly the most important thing.

How Can I “Screen” Them?

If you’re not sure what you would even ask them in these consultation sessions, here are some easy topics to cover:

Explain at a high level the reason you are meeting with them - no need to get into details unless you want to, but you should give them a sense of what you’re looking to get out of therapy or what brought you there
Ask what their typical approach to therapy looks like; how they like to work with their clients
If it’s important to you, you can confirm whether they have experience with other clients who have challenges similar to yours
You can get into logistics like their typical hours, whether they have a sliding scale payment approach (especially if therapy is financially challenging for you), how available they are for emergency sessions etc.
Ask them if they have any questions for you

How Often and When Should I See Them?

Personally, I think in the beginning, as you begin your therapy journey or are starting it with a new therapist, you should be seeing them once a week or biweekly (if that’s financially doable for you). It’s important to establish a strong foundation of trust and connection, and I find it helpful in terms of being able to cover the background and context of your situation with momentum. Once you have this base (maybe 2 months?), then I think having sessions bi-weekly or even every three weeks is a good cadence. The thing about therapy is that it doesn’t take just one session and the problem is solved. It takes time to unpack the things that hurt or burden you.

What the Fuck Do We Talk About?

This one can be tricky for some people… where do we start? Here’s my best tip and it’s stolen from Glennon Doyle. Don’t wait until the day of your session to figure out what you want to say. Because the thing is, that day might be a good day. And the thing about a good day is that it can sometimes make you forget how you felt on the ten bad days that came before. Have a little note in your phone or on your bedside table where you can write down whenever something comes to mind in terms of:

What you want to work on
Situations that are really heavy on your heart or mind
Day to day challenges
And especially pay attention to those moments where you are feeling your worst, the thoughts you have in those moments - that’s a good place to start

What if I Don’t Have Anything to Say?

Sometimes there will be sessions where you don’t know what to talk about (this will probably come later on in the process). Maybe things have been fairly steady in your life lately, there’s not much to report on. I would urge you in these moments - don’t reschedule. Try to show up still - sometimes on those days where there’s not a lot to report, you can start to discover things that you didn’t even realize had been bothering you. Or maybe not having a lot to report is a good time to notice how far you’ve come.

However, if there start to be lots of sessions like this, maybe it’s a sign to switch up the cadence. Triweekly or monthly might just work better for you and give you some time for reflection in between.

What if I’m Not Getting What I Need Out of Therapy?

Therapy is a lot like a relationship in so many ways - communication is key. You know how you’re telling your therapist about the things that are bothering you in your life? You can also tell them what’s bothering you about their approach in your sessions. You’re also allowed to ask them questions - to investigate their own process. For instance… at one point in my experience, I was getting frustrated, feeling like I was getting stuck in negativity by rehashing and talking extensively about problems. Don’t get me wrong, I needed that at the beginning. But over a year into this process, now I needed tools. I needed to come up with an action plan. I needed someone to hold me accountable. So I asked for those things and my therapist worked with me to find an approach that felt like I was getting what I needed out of sessions. Which is really what they are there for.

I know this was a SUPER long post and perhaps specific to my experience in spots. But I truly hope that it might answer questions or fears some of you might have about starting therapy. I hope it might make some of you feel empowered to give it a shot. If nothing else, I encourage you to at least keep listening for that moment in time where your brain says you are ready to try.